The following first appeared in the private email list IVy-subscribers,
which was available to all those who subscribed to the
printed magazine, International Viewpoints.

Phil's fantasy, in two parts: a humoresque
by Phil Spickler
19 Aug 00

       And so the story begins.  Phil (that's me), having been beseeched by
numbers of well-meaning folks to change his commandment that L. Ron Hubbard
may never again sail the seas or walk the lands of Earth, has made contact
with the big Org in the sky where Ron is currently being purified and asked
that his request preventing Hubbard from ever returning to Earth be
rescinded, and that when he is deemed fixed, please ship him back again to
complete certain specified activities.

       The activity, of course, that Hubbard will be sent to handle is that
the controlling management of the Church of Scientology, and certain of its
sub-managers, are considered to be a Suppressive Group, and are using many of
Hubbard's writings, policies and directives to cause the Church to behave as
an anti-social group and continue to damage the public image of Scientology
and its best possibilities.

       So, as you can see, Ron will really have his work cut out for him, but
he will be kept at the task until all is corrected and reformed, and whatever
remains will embody the highest ideals of a group or organization dedicated
to offering help, succor, to Mankind, without further enslaving or
imprisoning or otherwise harming said species, including not bankrupting the
people that come seeking help.  It will also cease to make claims such as
being the only hope or possibility for the people of Earth, and if it
continues to remain a Church, it will engage in strong and friendly relations
with other religious organizations and show definite signs of respecting
religious freedoms of other groups and their followers.

        And of course, at the risk of bankrupting itself, the Church will
make full and due restitution to those it has sought to harm, and will fully
and freely confess all of its past criminal behavior throughout Earth and its
countries, and be willing to accept whatever the penalties and consequences
of such disclosures are.

        Anyhow, what follows is an imagined meeting between Ron and the
current leaders and sub-leaders of the Church.  While Ron has been away, in
anticipation of his return, the Church has come up with a bunch of ways of
determining just what standards will have to be in evidence in order to be
sure that the selected or elected person is the real Ron -- somewhat like
what the Tibetan Buddhists used to do when they were seeking to find the next
Dalai Lama.

       Now one of the things that Ron is up against when he gets back to
Earth is that he does not have the same body.  Even though the big Org in the
sky could have built him another one, it was deemed that that body may have
had a lot to do with what we think of as his case or mental problems, and so
he's been given a different body, a saner body, a healthy body, one that is
good to look upon, and of a modest age, around mid-30's; and having this
different body is one of the things that he will have to deal with in getting
folks like David Miscavige and Starkey and a few others to agree that he is
really who he says he is.

        Well, as the scene opens, our new Ron has managed to get himself all
the way to an interview with all the lead SPs of the Church, who are about to
put him through certain exercises to see if he really is who he says he is.
This Ron being a rather straightforward and decent chap, in his new body, has
started to explain to the group what he's doing back on Earth, why he's here,
and what he has been commanded to do with the Church and its current group of

       Upon hearing this, David Miscavige says to Ron, "You know, in the last
20 years, since L. Ron Hubbard died, we've had no fewer than 726 people
present themselves to one echelon of the Church or another and make claim to
be L. Ron Hubbard or to be possessed by L. Ron Hubbard.  Most of these
people, you see, are nuthouse cases, the sort that go around claiming to be
Napoleon or Jesus or God, or any number of famous folks.  And it's quite
obvious to us that, given what you intend to do with us and the Church of
Scientology, that you couldn't be L. Ron Hubbard.  In fact, you're probably a
plant sent here by a suppressive group to enturbulate and undermine the
wonderful things that we're trying to do in the name of the Comnmodore; and
this particular meeting will go no further, and if you know what is good for
you, after we've fingerprinted you and taken a few blood samples, some of our
security people will escort you to an undisclosed location and after giving
your ass a good kicking, set you free with the strongest suggestion that you
never show your face again in any Scientology group or organization on the
face of this planet.  Your picture will be electronically faxed to every
group, along with your fingerprints.  And now our security people will
complete this interview."  Exit Miscavige and other leaders.

       Well, dear reader, here's Ron back on Earth, and he certainly has his
work cut out for him, and it looks like the direct approach of just walking
in and taking over again is not successful.  But the nice part of it is, Ron
will keep at this task, no matter how long it takes, and possibly and along
the way get some help from some other theta beings that have similar hopes
for the Church.

       I (that's Phil) now feel so good about this bloke that if we ever
cross paths, I'll look forward to talking about old times with him, and see
if we can both get laughing about what has been, is now, and will be in the
future on our funny little dirtball called Earth.  One story we can share and
laugh about is what happened when Jesus made his second coming, which
actually occurred a long time ago; but when he attempted to straighten out
the church that he never founded but that claimed him as their authority,
well, when he tried to undo what that church and its offshoots had become,
with all the blood and death and human misery and terrible ignorance, and the
awful gulfs between people that were promoted in his name, and cultures and
religions of other peoples that were destroyed in his name, well, when he
announced himself as Jesus, the deep trance-forming rabbi and the Prince of
Peace and a good journeyman carpenter on the side, and proposed the unmocking
of the Catholic Church and the Protestant churches of this world in order to
give everybody a break and a freedom from this heavy thing that's been laid
across them, well, as you've already guessed, they hit him over the head,
gave him some pretty powerfu drugs, and kept him in the labyrinths that exist
below the Vatican as a special sort of religious madman until his mortal body

       I guess there's a lesson to be learned in all this, and I think in
some sense it applies to all of us, whether we've founded a corrupt church or
two or not.  In the meantime, we shouldn'ft forget that Earth is an
entertainment spectacular and that whether we're in the play or in the
audience, it's all just for fun, since what's really behind it all just
simply doesn't have anything to do with right and wrong and good and evil.
The fact that we buy such stuff shows how great the actors and players are in
this thing called Life.

       Goodnight, and sleep tight!  Signed,
        No One in Particular