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The following first appeared in the private email list IVy-subscribers,
which was available to all those who subscribed to the
printed magazine, International Viewpoints.
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From the Cornpone Gazette
by Phil Spickler
31 May 1999

Well howdy there, folks!

This here's the real Phil Spickler, who I'm pleased to report is the chief
columnist for the OpEd Dept. of the Cornpone, CA Gazette.  Now you have every
right in the world to wonder what business I've got posting to the
IVy-subscribers list, and hopefully my following story will explain this
matter.

Some years ago I heard about a magazine called IVy, and thinking that it was
an agricultural digest, which by the way I have a special interest in, since
I'm very big on the husbandry of alfalfa, well anyway, I subscribed to the
magazine, only to find out that it rarely has anything in it that I would
call "agriculture."  Fact, most of the time I can't tell what any of the
people who are writing for it are talking about.

Howsomever, and purely by chance, one of the contributors to this-here
magazine has the same name as mine -- 'course I spell my name, my first name
that is, with 2 L's.   But anyhow I've taken to listening to this electronic
medium called the IVy-subscribers list, where this character using my name
certainly says some of the most outlandish things I've ever heard, and
furthermore, he seems to write things that other people sometimes find pretty
disturbing; and to tell the truth, I can't say that I disagree with them.  If
that bird ever shows up here in Cornpone, I think we could show him a thing
or two!

By the bye, I noticed recently on the IVy subscribers list a message from the
so-called One God to everybody, taking some of us folks to task for
having differences of opinions concerning other religions.  Well I just think
whoever wrote that as though they were the Creator writing to his people sure
has some nerve, although I can't blame the lady who posted it to the list for
wanting to get rid of it.  As a member of the one true religion I sure found
it offensive.

To make matters worse, this gal, whoever she is, said something about it
being the "8th dynamic" of that-there cult that calls itself a religion
founded by that-there science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard.  Well, although
I don't hold no truck with that guy and his so-called religion, I will say
that when I went to the library and found a book on Scientology and looked up
8th dynamic, Hubbard himself sure never said anything about the 8th dynamic
other than to say it was not in the province of Scientology to define it, and
it was left up to each individual to decide for themselves what it was all
about.

We do have a special place here in Cornpone where we keep people who pretend
to speak for the Creator; we even have a few weirdos who think they ARE
the Creator.  I think this is probably where we'd put Phil Spickler, if he
ever makes the mistake of dropping into town here.

One of the things that's so bad about Scientology and that makes it so evil,
according to that-there Hubbard, is that it's not a moral philosophy,
meaning, according to the dictionary, it doesn't preach right and wrong, or
pay any attention to the notion of the absolute Good nor absolute Evil.  No
wonder those people are so crazy and you could say nuts because they don't
know the difference between right and wrong.

Well, I just thought I'd better get that off my chest, and although I don't
have much to do with that IVy magazine or this-here subscribers list, I would
like to say that that so-called posting from the Creator might go better on a
couple of other lists that my Internet travels have revealed to me.  One of
the better ones is sundayschool@God.com, or idsl (interdenominational
subscribers list)@heaven.com.  I will say, as one last word about that
so-called posting from the Creator, that one of the ideas was that everybody
should be good to one another, and that certainly reminded me of our lord
Jesus, who is supposed to have said the same thing, and you can certainly see
how good we Christians have been to each other and others over the centuries.


Even though that IVy magazine and its subscribers list is supposed to be all
about Scientology and its further possibilities, I think a good dose of
Christian forgiveness and humility would go a long way among those secular
humanists.  That darn Phil Spickler who's not me, if you can believe this or
not, is now trying to convince everyone here on Earth that they aren't really
what they think they are.  Is it any wonder people are disturbed with him,
since he's ranting and raving about this sort of thing all the time.   It's
been well known for thousands of years that each of us has a soul, and that
subject to certain conditions when you die that soul goes to a very nice
place, has a permanent residence with some pretty darn nice folks, and as
Mark Twain pointed out, it's a chance to spend the eternities flying around
with your wings and learning to play the harp really well and interacting
with all the most famous Biblical characters, and of course that place is
called Heaven.  Then of course if things haven't gone well for you there's
that other place you might go to, but let's not talk about that.

But from what little I know about Scientology I'd say that that Spickler
fellow is suggesting a very frightening course of action, namely, getting rid
of what I believe is called a stable datum.  Now for quite awhile I didn't
know what the heck that meant, whether he was talking about something that
had to do with horses or what, but he looks like a guy that's trying to yank
the carpet out from under folks who have a pretty high certainty about who
and what they really are, and replace it with something that you can't really
get your teeth into.  Why, if I didn't have my own religious convictions, I'd
be like a ship without a rudder and probably need some of that psychiatric
wonder drug Prozac or Luvox just to get through the day.

Anyway, my hope for all you folks out there is that that idjit will shut his
big mouth up and leave you alone, and if that's true for him, OK, but that
sure don't make it true for anybody else, and I'm pleased to say he hasn't
shown me anything that even sounds like it could ever be proven.  Next thing
you know he'll tell you he's the Buddha, and if you want my opinion about
that silliness I can just tell you that anyone that sits around cross-legged
probably just needs a good job and someone to tell him what to do.

Things generally speaking down here in Cornpone have been pretty pleasant,
and I might add that our major crop and industry in these-here parts, namely
cotton, is doing very well, and if some of you nice folks ever get down this
way, please drop in on me, I'd like to show you a better life.  I also sell
real estate here in Cornpone, and I'm also the Justice of the Peace, so you'd
better not come through here too fast.

Well, so long for now, and I hope I don't hear any more from that other Phil
Spickler, who I wish would change his name to something like Phil Stupid.  So
long for now -- I'll just sign this The Real Thing