From International Viewpoints (IVy) Issue 11 - April 1993
See Home Page at http://www.ivymag.org/
by Ulrich, Germany
'Pick up the cans', said the auditor
and took a last swig of whisky from the bottle inside his desk. The
pc took the cans and sat back comfortably in his chair.
'Had any alcohol within the last 24 hours?'
asked the auditor.
'No', said the pc. 'As a matter
of fact, I'm dying for a drink. Could I have some of yours?'
'No chance, mate', said the auditor,
'no booze for the pc, says the code. You wouldn't try make
me break the code on you, would you?'
'Oh I certainly wouldn't, sorry about that.
Do you mind if I smoke?'
'Should be alright, I guess, code says
nothing about that. Here', the auditor changed the crocodile clips
over, 'take the solo cans. No good smoking with two hands on the
cans. Too many false reads that way. Ashtray is to your left. Ready
'Fine with me', said the pc whilst
blowing a lungful of smoke across the meter shield.
'Thanks for that - got us a nice Fall
on the dial!', said the auditor. 'Metabolism is working fine,
the way it looks. Ready? This is the session! Your TA is out
the roof. ARCX?'
'Not that I'd know of ...', said the pc.
'You must be kidding', said the auditor,
'with that sort of high TA there's got to be an ARCX!'
'That's not what the red on white says,
though', said the pc.
'You are trying to tell me? Who's the auditor
around here, I want to know! You or me? And what do I see on the
anyway? Dirty needle! Gotcha, mister! There's a missed withhold!'
'That's closer to the mark', said the
pc. 'But I won't tell you!'
'We'll see about that', said the auditor.
'There's ways of making you talk. Know what I thought when I saw
you walking in through that door? This guy is loaded with dirt, I
thought. And right I am. Correct indication. This is what's great
about auditing, see? It makes people right. But never mind: what's
the withhold? Don't hang about; I haven't got all day.'
'If I told you, it might bust up your meter',
said the pc. 'I've already ruined three auditors this way. They
wouldn't believe me, didn't acknowledge, just fell off the chair.
So I won't tell you. - Amn't I a considerate fellow?'
'Trying to scare me? Out with it! Whatcher
'Well then', said the pc, 'you're
asking for it. It's like this_...' He paused for a moment, groping
for words. A sizzling sound came from the crocodile clips as sparks
started flying between them. The smell of burnt plastic pervaded the
air when a wisp of smoke came crawling along the leads towards the
meter. The needle, jammed against the left side of the dial, was
getting bent; TA at 6.5 with no chance to turn it higher. Sweat
on the auditor's brow as he sat with his whisky-improved TR-0 boring
into the pc and his left thumb clenching the TA knob.
'It's like this', the pc finally said,
'I'm only a figment of my own imagination. And I can't tell anyone
because they can't have it.'
'Thank you!' barked the auditor, and
immediately the needle shot down to the right in the most lightning
fast blowdown ever recorded in the history of auditing, and, with
a blue flame shooting out of the TA counter, there was a sharp crack
as the meter exploded and disintegrated. Its components came raining
down all across the room.
The auditor went fishing for some bits in the
aquarium on the window sill. 'Your needle is floating, actually',
he said over his shoulder to the pc's collapsed body.
'Great session, old chum!', a rumbling
voice spoke down from the heavens. 'I really had a win there.'
'Withhold pulled to F/N', noted the
auditor in his write-up. 'Pc exterior. Originated a win.'
The C/S (who only went by what he saw in the
worksheets) gave him a Very Well Done.
Tue Jul 11 18:41:09 EDT 2006