From International Viewpoints (IVy) Issue 8 - September 1992
By Mark Jones, USA
The Barriers to Genuine Self Acceptance
Most of us recognise that if we don't fully accept ourselves we will
not feel 'in valence', 'centred' or really be accepted by others. In
our earlier work (I guess this is a veiled reference to scn. Ed.) we
may have dealt with some of the barriers to self acceptance, but may
not have dealt with all the vital ones.
There are various elements which are important in achieving self
acceptance. A major one is developing our ability to feel remorse or -
genuinely- feel sorrow for our impact on others which has produced
harmful or undesired results.
Remorse tends to be so "off-putting" or frightening that many people
will fall into other euphenisms. They will say they feel remorse when
instead they feel self pity, feel like a martyrs, feel defenceless,
feel weak, or are indulging in forms of self punishment or riducule,
self effacement, blaming, feeling righteous, reasoning that the
person's they have harmed 'must have pulled it in', etc. To assuage
other's resentment, they say, "I'm sorry", without really feeling
As infants and through the various states of growing up we had
opportunities to develop an ability to feel remorse, but instead
allowed shame to subvert them and take them away. In order to
genuinely forgive ourselves or others, or to have them forgive us, we
must be able to genuinely feel remorse. Then we can begin to really
accept and know ourselves. Remorse connects us with some of the most
powerful energy in our spiritual involvement, sometimes called the
Remorse is based on the realization and acceptance of certain
actualities. These are:
"I am a human being. I can make mistakes."
"I am forgivable. I can forgive and be forgiven."
"Sometimes I'm prepared and sometimes I'm not prepared."
"While my needs, my wants, and my preferences are not the only ones,
they have value."
"I can motivate out of a desire to grow."
"I have the substantive stuff from which to build character."
"I can seek and find my spirituality. I have a basis for it."
When you really recognise and own this, it's easy to feel sorrow and
remorse when you 'screw up', make a mistake or have negative impact.
It is the lack of acceptance of the above actualities and having
beliefs such as: "I can't make mistakes", "I'm not forgivable", "I'm
never prepared", "I have to deny my own needs and wants in favor of
everybody else's", "I must be motivated out of my badness", "I don't
have a foundation for character" or "I am seperate from my
spirituality", that destroys your basis. Then the whole idea or
feeling of sorrow is very frightening and even repugnant. So then,
you'd rather feel pity, the martyr, the ridicule, the self effacing,
pretending or acting the weakness, defenceless, or anything but
It is important to work with this. For the first phase, first, look at
someone with whom you are acquainted, not a close friend, and observe
where their lack of remorse lies, where their foundation for it was
taken away. Look and see where they function as though they can't make
mistakes, can't be forgiven, must deny their own needs or wants, or
have the belief that they never really prepared and have to pretend
that they always are, etc. Don't judge but just observe to see what
you understand about the principles dealing with remorse.
Then, look at someone you care about and feel a degree of intimacy
for. Look to see where their foundation is lacking or has fallen into
ruin. Again, don't judge but see how, because of that, they have a
reluctance to feel the sorrow that is remorse, and therefore don't
Then observe yourself. See what you do, watch these qualities in you.
For phase two, select your favorite piece of meditative music, and let
yourself relax, becoming very very still. When you are very still, ask
your higher self or your soul nature (Editorial note: I guess that
here we are moving higher on the know to mystery scale than symbols,
so it is not easy to express in words things that are higher than
words. Possibly some scientologists can also use the idea of
themselves as thetans consulting themselves as Static, or nearer
Static. And again those conversant with Silva Method would probably
use one of their Advisors (and later their eternal calender). However,
look on the bright side of life. An OT is capable of many things
including finding out intuitively passages in this article I have made
obscure with my editing (due to shortage of time I have not been able
to consult with Mark as I usually do), and of course an OT is capable
of altering his past so the present is better. Ed.) to work with you
on these qualities, to reach inside your heart and your brain, and to
rebuild what should have been there all along. Ask them to go back
into the past, to the time you were an infant, and work with healing
the infant, that child between eighteen and thirty six months old (the
time these foundational blocks should have been put into place). When
you come out of this state you may not be able to tell all that
happened, but focus on the first three and remind yourself that you
can make a mistake, that you are forgivable and that you can forgive,
and that sometimes you are prepared and sometimes you are not; and
that is OK.
For phase three work with the last three qualities by selecting
another piece of meditative music, and become very still so that it
feels as though your heart has stopped beating. Then, ask your higher
self or soul nature to work with you as an infant and an adolescent,
so that you can motivate out of a desire to grow, not just out of
fixation for something but -just because you want to grow-. That you
can and do have character and that you have a spirituality within you,
and that you are a spiritual person. When you come out of this
meditative, introspective, period pay attention and catch yourself
when you deny yourself in these regards and stop denying yourself.
Form a new habit!
In the fourth and final phase work with your needs, your wants, your
desires, your preferences in a meditative state. Some people go to the
extreme of denying their own needs, wants, desires, and preferences
and others go to the other extreme of "only my needs, wants, desires,
and preferences matter". The state to be in is that you have needs and
wants and they are valuable, but they are not the only things that are
valuable. Work with this idea and really let it in that your needs,
wants, desires, and preferences are valuable. Sense yourself being
cleansed and filled with these qualities. As you do, you will become
more able to have and feel remorse.